Hi Neenah,

I am a single (never married), 47-year old. I can totally relate to your dilemma. I met a guy quite a few years ago (at least 5) who I felt no chemistry for and to this day there is still nothing. We remained as off-and-on acquaintances and I question whether it matters or if things can change. I want and need to feel that chemistry, but there is none. I think it is (or the lack of) that has kept us from having a serious (or more serious relationship). Recently I met a guy online who I felt instant chemistry for and still do (I think chemistry has everything to do with birth signs). What's sad or unfortunate is the first guy is nicer and has a lot more to offer and he's local. The guy I met online is 3 hrs away (somewhere near your town/state). He's shown me that he is not a good fit for me, but the chemistry is still there. I feel like I have something to work with. As a Christian, you may think it's wrong to read about or give any credit to Sun Signs, but I realize which ones I am compatible with and I'd rather steer away from the ones that I am not compatible with.

I believe you can tell, whether right away or not, if you have chemistry with a person. You can have a great 10 minute conversation with a guy and think, "Wow, we really clicked." Then meet that same guy a different time and he's a total stranger. I knew a guy for over two years, but I never really listened to him or paid attention to him and he probably the same to me. But now I find myself totally smitten by him and we've never dated. I feel we have such a great chemistry since now I have actually listened to him and open myself up to him and he to me, but I'm too scared to ruin the friendship if he rejects me. I think it would be best if he makes the first move. In my heart I feel he feels the same for me, but nothing but flirtation is going on between us. I guess it's unrequited chemistry.

Wow. I am going to tell you what my husband told me when we first started dating: you are thinking waaaaaay too much. If you want him to find you, relax, breathe, be open and stop thinking. Your blogs show that you apply deep analysis to EVERY aspect of dating. While thinking is always a good thing, overthinking can (an apparently has) leave you single and in search of, thinking "why am I still alone."

I say all of that to say this: Relax, stop obsessing and over-analyzing and just BE!

Thanks for the comment, but I'm afraid I have to disagree. I have a lot of married friends and don't over think or analyze any more or less than they did while they were in their dating phase. It's unfortunate when we point our fingers at singles to tell them why they don't have a spouse as though married people did everything right (i.e., I arrived and you didn't, so I got it right). I do think a great deal about my singleness, but the reason that others are aware of it is because I have a blog. The point of a blog is to share those thoughts aloud, and hopefully create a dialogue with others as we are doing now. Hopefully we can ALL improve our lives and grow from the insights of others.

Hey there!
What you are here describing has to be one of the most frustrating things that men complain about. So many 'nice guys' tear their hair out over this.
However, after many years of being the typical 'nice friend', I finally totally understand what you misunderstood ladies mean by chemistry. Now, having learned this, I date high profile, successful women, like yourself.

Here's the deal: There are very basic male and female qualities that attract us to each other. If those are not sensed (perhaps unconsciously) by the other person, there is no chemistry - we're not 'turned on'. A strong, independent, intelligent woman like you can be somewhat intimidating to the wrong guy and if you sense that, even though he is 'nice', you get turned off.
After all is said and done, you need a strong 'm-a-n' to be there for you. This does not, by any means, indicate that guys should be jerks. Still, the 'right' guy will understand how to trigger those deep feelings for which you yearn.

It'll take a while, but there are a few of us out here who have this figured out. Good luck!

Mikey, I think you have a point there. I find myself more attracted to confident men than guys who are intimidated by me. I don't feel chemistry until a guy makes a move and most "nice" guys aren't aggressive for some odd reason. Maybe all of the rejection they've suffered in the past has made them gun-shy, who knows.

I had a goal similar to Neenah in that I had been searching for Mr. Right for about five years now. I don't have any hopes of getting married at 48 and have pretty much given up trying to get a date. In five years I've had two lunch dates (same guy) and spent plenty of cash on online dating/speed dating to meet a slew of losers and scam artists. I seem to attract weird men which is why I've decided to return to my life as a nun.

I do hope you find some luck Neenah and while I do agree with the poster who says you need to "do" and not "think" so much, I think you also have to not concern yourself too much with chemistry. I never had it with anyone in my life until I met the two lunch date man and wow! it wasn't until we talked for awhile on our first lunch date. He said something that totally made me melt and this was after I already decided just fifteen minutes earlier when he couldn't find the restaurant that he was a clown and I didn't want to see him again. So it took that one little moment. Needless to say, he is an insecure clown and nothing every happened because he is a bit looney (I even wrote a story about it), but I would go out with him again in a heartbeat if given the chance... or maybe the chemistry didn't happen on his end, who knows... long story.

Try not to get chemistry mixed up with love at first sight. It can happen but I think it can build over time. I'm sure you've had the experience of knowing someone for awhile and then one day it clicks and it feels so good. It's when it clicks and it feels more than good, it feels right that you've found him.

Hi: I know exactly what you're talking about with this chemistry thing. I met over 100 men over a three-year period. I had the chemistry with only three men over that time period, but I knew that with two of them that they were Mr. Right in the chemistry department, but Mr. Wrong in ways that really mattered, ways that were essential if there was going to be a future. I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was to let go of those two Mr. Wrongs, but... I finally met the real Mr. Right, and it was worth the wait. We had the chemistry, AND we had everything else, too. And we BOTH had it for each other. You'll find it, too! P.S. I think my book, "The Intelligent Woman's Guide To Online Dating (And She Lived Happily Ever After)" would be a great resource for you. It's available on Amazon.com or through my website.

I'm currently with a guy I didn't feel a lot of chemistry with on the first date, but he was a good man and sweet so I gave him a few more dates to win me over and he TOTALLY did. I'm really glad I gave him a chance. I'd recommend giving a guy three dates if the chemistry is the only thing going wrong on the first one.

I have to disagree with the thought that chemistry may not last in marriage. I think that's an excuse and cop-out for men to cheat and for women to neglect their responsibilities and to let themselves go. We act like the chemistry is either there or it's not. When we had chemistry with someone it's because we presented our best selves (hopefully it was the authentic self too). We did our hair, wore decent, fitting clothes, held great conversations, laughed, smiled and had fun. If the chemistry is gone, it's because we allowed it to go away (both men and women). Yes, chemistry is important, but it's not the end all. Yes other qualities are important, but so is chemistry. You do not have to choose in order to have a healthy relationship. You can have chemistry and the other qualities of a happy, successful marriage or relationship. However I find that most people get complacent and stop working to have the relationship they want. They either think the other person is supposed to do it or that it's just supposed to be like that because it was like that in the beginning. Like the old folks said, 'You have to start out like you can hold out.'

hello nina a new intro. you are going about it the wrong way by trying to setup every scenario of a relationship. instead of lookng you should try to fall into a good situation. been married once and have not looked for a relationship but hoped to fall into one before i leave this earth and have the energy and strength to persue it should it come to pass. there are many places you could find a great relationship but none is like falling into something by chance and making the most of it. lol mark d.allen

I have to agree with the poster who said basically stop thinking so much. Try to really enjoy life as you have it now. Become the very best that you can be and give yourself to others and things of a positive nature. The right guy will come along when you stop agonizing over it. When you do date open your eyes and be aware of what he actually brings to the table. what's his family life like, how was he brought up? Whats his relationship with his mom or sisters like. Does he attend church, hold beliefs common to yours and have a steady source of income. Is he positively living life or just waiting for the "right" one. Is he enjoying his life as you should be enjoying yours? When you do get married you will find "that" person will never complete you. If you're not really satisfied with things now marriage won't make you any happier

I've come to believe that think chemistry is basically an "I-want-to-have-sex-with-you" vibe. Whenever I throw out that vibe at men, they are normally responsive. I don't have trouble getting dates for this reason. One does not have to act on it though. From experience I also know that chemistry is not a good indicaton that a relationship will work. I love what you are doing.

Wow I loved this post because I am kinda in this situation. I have been dating a man for 4 months and that spark I believe you are speaking of hasn't come yet. However, we have great conversations, he is very hard working, caring, a good listener and doer. He treats me like a queen and I am enjoying him more and more.

Being in a situation like this has caused me to look way past that initial chemistry I used to always look for, it was always sexual and it always led me to the wrong men. Ones that didn't have the same value system come to find out.

So I have decided to build a relationship with a man I didn't have chemistry with in hopes that over time as I get to know him more my feelings will become stronger knowing he is truly a good man.

I say all that to say focus on the actually MAN he is. make sure his values match yours, family ect.... I am in 100% belief that the spark you seek will come. It has for me before and I am certain it can happen again.

nice blog

It's funny. At my age, when I say chemistry, I mean my best friend. I just realized that people thought I meant sexual attraction when I used that word. Chemistry to me is a guy I can have a conversation with and it feels natural and comfortable, like I'm talking to a good friend, even though we just met. Chemistry is someone I can just be me with and not have to act a specific way in order for him to like me. Chemistry is the guy who just gets me and I get him. Maybe it's not my age, maybe it's just the experiences that I've had. You should see some of the unattractive guys that I dated - you would know that wasn't based upon looks. I just want to feel at home with "him". But that feeling you can't manufacturer or force. Sometimes I wish I could.

i understand your dilema all too well.... i too am i a awkward situation when it comes to chemistry... i have been with my current boyfriend for five months (not very long but long enough to know if theres any chemistry) hes a great guy; hard worker, funny, attractive, great personality, wonderful to my kids (who arent his) but theres just no chemistry... and i dont know how long i should let this continue... i wish there was a spell or formula that you could use because i know how lucky i am to have him but for right now im just not getting a whole lot out of the relationship

Chemistry is needed in all relationships, but some people find themselves settling for someone just because he's a great guy, or she's a great girl, and that usually is a recipe for someones unhappiness. Chemistry and romance, go hand in hand, you can't have the sparks if one is missing(you can for a little while, but they never last). Most of the time, you can feel the chemistry when you have that first phone conversation with a person, but the true test of chemistry comes when you actually meet each other. The meeting of the minds is what I call it, because at that point, if a man can make love to your mind, and continue to make love to your mind throughout the relationship, then the chemistry will be there. Most men can't do that though because they only know how to make love in the bed, which means that the chemistry starts for him at that point. It doesn't matter if your cute or not, but what matters is how you feel when you with that person, and how does that person make you feel. Do they make you feel like your on top of the world, and that you can't breath without them being there. Do you think about them all of the time, and wish that you could be there with them 24/7. These are feelings that a person pulls out of you, not ones that you just feel for no reason. Men don't understand, that a woman loves to know that she is important to him, and he needs to let her know that every day, and visa versa. If it's real, it should be second nature to him,but if you have to remind him, then you might need to look else where. If there is no chemistry initially, then don't waste your time trying to make it work. You have got to feel it when you talk to each other, when you see each other, and when you touch each other. That person has got to send you to cloud nine when you hear his/hervoice, and you still don't come down for hours after the conversation. That person has got to keep your mind in an orgasmic state, so that when it is time to make love for real, you will feel chemistry like you've never known in your entire life. A woman thats in touch with her male side(Not gay)will understand a man better, and a man in touch with his feminine(Not gay)will understand a woman better. once you understand how the other one ticks, the possibilities are endless as far as love, romance, and every aspect of your relationship.

A lot of women are programmed to be attracted to "bad boys". The media, our friends, society program us to like a set of characteristics not found in nice guys. You need to re-program your brain.

It's a game. See if you can play it, see if you can MAKE yourself be attracted to him.

See if you can program your brain to think of him as an attractive man. Get those neurons firing in the right direction.

Try the following:
* Run a bath with candles. Let your thoughts wander. Let them wander graphically, in a scenario about that guy. Do this several times, so that you start associating the guy with sensual baths.
* When you're with him, flirt. If the problem is he's overwhelmed by you... flirt coyly. Ask him to open jars for you, get high things down for you, etc. Make him feel like the big, strong man. He'll feel like one.
* When you look at him, find what is sexy about him. EVERYONE has something sexy about them. So find it. Focus on that. Let your eyes wander over him, and find that sexy bit of him.
* Do something silly with him. Everyone's got a little bad boy in him.

I have to say i am in a relationship with a guy i have known for 4 years, i never have had chemistry with him even after all these years, but i choose to stay with him because he is a honest, respectful and treats me like a princess. I am so confused as recently i have met another guy who i have alot of chemistry with, but because the first guy has done good by me for the last 4 years, i cant leave him and go with my heart. so i think chemistry is important, but because i have been with a great and trustworthy guy for so many years, this is the one thing that i will have to go without, which breaks my heart but not my head!!

I was introduced to my husband by mutual friends and was not initially attracted to him physically. I thought he was sweet and dated him. After a few dates, I grew to love his personality. He was bright, sensitive, and really funny. Over time, I became crazy about him and there was definitely chemistry between us. We were in our mid 30s when we met and have been married for nearly 20 years. We are still crazy about each other.

Do not give up hope. Put your life, including your love life, in God's hands and trust Him. That is what I did and I am not sorry it took so long to find my husband. He is perfect for me.

Remember, too, it is better to happily unmarried, than unhappily married.

You will be in my prayers. God bless you.