When people learn about my journey they always ask about my methods and goals.  I myself often forget and get bogged down by unfortunate missteps.  Those are the times when I realize I need to revisit my original intent.  When I first started, I wrote a mission statement of how I was going to spend my 52 weeks.  Here it is:

1) Put a sense of adventure back into dating
2) While looking, learn and grow
    a. Discover and experience methods of finding him, especially new methods, to see which ones are most fruitful.
    b. Understand who works for me
    c. Learn how to evolve as a person
3) Prepare for marriage. Explore what it takes to have a good, healthy and lasting marriage
4) Embrace my singleness. If marriage is in my near future –and I hope it is, these are my last days of being a single woman,
     so appreciate this time and live it to the fullest.
5) Don’t go it alone
    a. get others to help you, hold you accountable
    b. Discover and share how other singles can benefit from what I’ve learned.
    c. Remember God is with you for every step. You can get his help or ignore him. But with every step know you are choosing one.
6) Enjoy the journey!

I’ve talked with many people of faith (Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu (and others) who rely on God to meet their needs. And for those who are single, I found that many of us have this in common – we hit a certain age and when we still haven’t found “the one” we begin to wonder, “What’s up, God?”

We become frustrated and may even experience the stages of grief. As a Christian, the number of times I wanted to smack people who said to me “trust God” is too numerous to count. I also begin to wonder why God isn’t doing more to help me in my search (not that I’ve read a summary of all that He’s done. I’m sure that would be too numerous to count). But the frustration is sometimes there.

No one articulates it better or is funnier than my friend Susan Isaccs in her new book Angry Conversations with God. It’s her memoir of her rocky relationship with God. Single, jobless and hitting a spiritual rock bottom, she takes her heavenly husband, God, to couples counseling. She wants answers and we as the reader get to hide behind her as she confronts God on a number of things – including her singleness.

Through her journey, she realizes she made God into her image – as well as the image that her well-meaning Christian teachers and friends made him out to be. And through counseling, Susan finally begins to really listening to who he says he is (good relationship rule number 1). Question: How much does our personal faith play a role in why we are or aren't married?

Susan has always been one of my favorite writers, and this book affirms that. I encourage you to grab a copy no matter what phase your relationship with God is in.

When both Susan and I lived in NYC (during her slide to rock bottom), we had many conversations about career, love and Christian men. Now that Susan is happily married, I couldn’t wait to hear her new-found thoughts on the topic. We recently had a Skype chat where we talked about everything from sad sex, to neutered men, to riding trains. I couldn’t present it all, but here’s a clip from that conversation.

How much does our personal faith play a role in why we are or aren't married?

On Thursday I had a brief meeting with New York Matchmaker, Janis Spindel. She has quite the track record so it was a privilege to be able to have a little of her time.

You know how sometimes people say things that just ring true? Well Janis gave me her "what's in the minds of men" rundown. There were things she said I agreed with and things I didn't necessarily describe the majority of men. But one thing that stood out for me was that men are attracted to confidence. I look back on all the situations that I've been in and I'm not as confident (flirty) with guys as I should be. I have loads of confidence when it comes to work situations and men, but that's totally different.

Maybe this week my challenge will be to act extremely confident whenever I'm in a situation with men, whether I'm interested in them or not.

I am above TV shows like The Bachelor that represent women as pathetic Barbie dolls desperate for attention and ready to pluck out each others eyeballs for a man who doesn't really want them. Okay, so that was my opinion having never watched the show. But a month ago while visiting my sister, she refused to turn to my choice in programming and forced an episode of the Bachelor on me. I was surprised with what I saw. It was down to maybe 5 women. When they were together (apart from the Bachelor), they were actually kind and supportive to one another. They were women who seemed normal and sane - women I could see myself being friends with. (Not that I'm not friends with abnormal and insane women. I travel in diverse circles). Anyway, what also surprised me was the Bachelor. It seemed genuinely kind and sincere. He was more articulate and insightful about women than most men that I know, married or single. He seemed as though he tried to be respectful to the women, even those rejected - well as respectful as a man can be when he totally makes out with one and five minutes later makes out with the other. I don't really get that part of the show. Yes. I'm digressing for a moment. It's just so bizarre that he is so physically involved with all these women - sometimes all within the same day. It seems like it would cloud your judgment when picking your one true love. And how strange it must be for the women who sit down for lunch together having swapped saliva with the same man the night before. Well, even with that disturbing element, I found the show fascinating.

I understand why it does so well with the ratings. It's a real romance novel brought to the small screen. Scripting doesn't get better than that. Although I didn't continue to watch too many of the other episodes (I had friends give me the highlights), I found myself thinking about it a great deal. He was one guy who actually had many choices of women he could realistically see himself with. Based on the ending of the show, that was obviously his biggest problem, but just the fact that he had so many choices is amazing. Most of us have the hardest time finding one person that we connect with. The show produced the desired results for 2 people involved. But is there something that we can learn from the show that can be applied to our own dating lives? Was it the luxury of this man and these women taking the time off from their lives to focus on love? Was it a heightened sense of excitement having TV cameras follow them? Was it the extraordinary activities planned for their dates that helped to make a difference? In this age of technology, I have access to thousands of men who fall within my basic criteria. But in these 10 weeks I haven't found him. As the dating slows down, and having gone on few second dates, and no third dates, it has me wondering if additional outside intervention will actually be more helpful than simply intrusive!

But The Bachelor & Bachelorette series has tried to play matchmaker for 17 individuals. Out of that number only 1 connection produced a marriage. Not very good odds. Maybe the lesson is that you can’t hurry love, even with the hyped up excitement and lavish dates. Obviously the goal of the show is good ratings, not to help people find lasting love. But can you have an entertaining show and produce a happy healthy marriage? How interesting would it be to have someone who goes through the process and has help along the way on how to pursue a relationship that ends in marriage? I always thought it would be great to see a reality show with engaged couples that was less like Temptation Island and focused more on what engaged couples will experience in a real marriage. What about 13 weeks where they are forced to share an income, take care of 3 kids, manage a hectic schedule and work to get each other’s attention. And during this time they don’t get to have sex. With that I’d throw in a mandatory weekly counseling session, so they are learning how to manage their issues. Which ever couple survives that and still wants to marry gets the wedding of their dream. I guess it would be similar to the Baby Borrowers on NBC, but with more mature couples. As much as I enjoyed being a voyeur into the life of “The Bachelor” I wished it offered more of ‘what to do’ than ‘what NOT to do’ for me and other singles out there looking for love. Maybe that’s more PBS than the show wanted to be.

I was speaking at an event for single women. After it was over, a woman in tears came to me and said when am I supposed to give up?  Why won't God just tell me whether I can expect to get married in the future? That way I can move on with my life if it's not meant to be. I contrast a moment 20 years ago when at church
a nationally recognized minister prophesized over a good friend and said to her
that she will be married within a year.  My other single friends and I were
jealous because she received her answer.  That question that plagues all single
women - especially those who are over 40:  Will it happen for me?  But 20 years
later, that friend of mine who received the prediction about her future is still
very single.  I can't imagine the idea of expecting something to happen soon and
it not happen.  It leads me to my next thought.  If I could know the answer
today as to whether I will find him in within the next 44 weeks would I want to
know?

I’ve decided that I want to know what I need to know, when I need to know it.  And I think that if answers come when I don’t need to know them than it kills desire, drive and passion in me.  All of when targeted in a positive direction, makes life beautiful. This year is very much about me finding my husband, but it’s also about me growing as a person.  I want to understand more about relationships, why some work and others don’t.  I want to learn how to love and be loved.  Most of that is focused on romantic relationships this year, but as I said in a previous blog, it’s about my purpose
in life in general.  I love what I proclaimed to do this year because it’s
living life with a purpose and having a vision.

There’s this book I read years ago by Andy Stanley called Visioneering that was awesome.  Andy writes, “vision is a clear mental picture of what could be, fueled by the conviction that it should be.”  Right now I am so fueled by the conviction that I and millions of other single women should be married, but our screwed up society (and yes, I am a part of the society), keeps getting it wrong.  Who or what fueled that conviction?  I believe it comes from a good place.  I believe God has but that desire in me. So this year is my attempt of rectifying things and hopefully other women will benefit from it as well.  And no matter the outcome, I still think it’s a beautiful use of my time, energy and emotions.  So for the woman in tears who just wanted to know, I say this: Understand who or what is fueling your desire and if it’s coming from a good place be attentive to it and follow it where it leads.