March 1 - When to Stop Believing
I was speaking at an event for single women. After it was over, a woman in tears came to me and said when am I supposed to give up? Why won't God just tell me whether I can expect to get married in the future? That way I can move on with my life if it's not meant to be. I contrast a moment 20 years ago when at church
a nationally recognized minister prophesized over a good friend and said to her
that she will be married within a year. My other single friends and I were
jealous because she received her answer. That question that plagues all single
women - especially those who are over 40: Will it happen for me? But 20 years
later, that friend of mine who received the prediction about her future is still
very single. I can't imagine the idea of expecting something to happen soon and
it not happen. It leads me to my next thought. If I could know the answer
today as to whether I will find him in within the next 44 weeks would I want to
know?
I’ve decided that I want to know what I need to know, when I need to know it. And I think that if answers come when I don’t need to know them than it kills desire, drive and passion in me. All of when targeted in a positive direction, makes life beautiful. This year is very much about me finding my husband, but it’s also about me growing as a person. I want to understand more about relationships, why some work and others don’t. I want to learn how to love and be loved. Most of that is focused on romantic relationships this year, but as I said in a previous blog, it’s about my purpose
in life in general. I love what I proclaimed to do this year because it’s
living life with a purpose and having a vision.
There’s this book I read years ago by Andy Stanley called Visioneering that was awesome. Andy writes, “vision is a clear mental picture of what could be, fueled by the conviction that it should be.” Right now I am so fueled by the conviction that I and millions of other single women should be married, but our screwed up society (and yes, I am a part of the society), keeps getting it wrong. Who or what fueled that conviction? I believe it comes from a good place. I believe God has but that desire in me. So this year is my attempt of rectifying things and hopefully other women will benefit from it as well. And no matter the outcome, I still think it’s a beautiful use of my time, energy and emotions. So for the woman in tears who just wanted to know, I say this: Understand who or what is fueling your desire and if it’s coming from a good place be attentive to it and follow it where it leads.
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I am very sorry about the errant prophecy concerning your friend. I too was told by a "prophet" way back in 1980 that I would marry a blonde named Darlene. So I know for 10 years I would get all giddy around every single woman I met named Darlene. And if she wasnt blond I did a thorough inspection of her hair's roots lol just to make sure. This is the power our desires can have over us if we arent careful. I hope it was okay to share a somewhat parallel story to your friend's. Have a great evening.
I think that what you are doing is bold and fierce..looking for love in such a non traditional manner especially for a woman of faith such as yourself will you feel let down by God if you don't find "him" or at least someone close to it? This comment really stuck in my head "that question that plagues all single women - especially those who are over 40: Will it happen for me? " This is not a question that plagues all women some women believe it or not are very happy not being married and don't really desire to be. I wish you all the best in your quest, but also hope that you realize some of us are happy being single..
Best of luck!
X
I just want to say... I am so frustrated with 'learn to be a happy single woman'. I don't consider myself religious but I've read the Bible several times and grew up in a religious household (and if someone says 'well that's why you're still single', you're missing my entire point). I really don't think God meant for us as people to be alone. He wouldnt' have created reproductive organs, and we wouldn't derive so much pleasure and joy from loving and being loved if we were meant to be alone. So all this 'learn how to be happy single' talk is hogwash to me. There are plenty of content people who are single, and who are in relationships. And, vice versa, plenty who are miserable single, married, divorced, and whatever other status you can think of.
All that time I begged God for a partner, for someone to help me get through my fright and misery.
It wasn't until several years later, when I'd found a reachable goal, spent the (ample) time alone, studying, testing, achieving, and earning a certificate, and then pouring through books learning, building a business, and risking everything, that I gradually learned to value, trust, and "love" myself again.
And it wasn't until I stopped searching for "the one" and went ahead pursuing my own goals that I met "the one", when I was finally ready to be the sort of person an intelligent, secure man would be proud to partner.
I hope your strategy works. But if it doesn't, I was told the best way to meet a man is not to need him; that you'll only find him when you're not looking (when you're busy, not when you're inattentive).
Here's how it happened for me: I had purchased a beautiful silver silk suit, because I had lost a lot of weight working out (alone) while I studied (alone).
I met him at a chance meeting with a new client, when I was wearing the silver suit and I stood up and volunteered for a treacherous project I knew I could complete due to the experience and training I put myself through in my quest to become qualified (and that included leaving a $60K job for a $37K job that was more demanding and therefore, would help me grow my skillset - under fire).
Had I had sex along the way, I might never have achieved my goal - dream job, dream guy, dream marriage. Because I might've become pregnant, and once you have a child, the story isn't about you any more - it's all about your child.
The first man I had sex with, and I was 32 and we were not married, became my husband two years later.
And that meant parting with the last "safety" I had, and one prescribed by the Church.
I could've been wrong - I'm glad I wasn't.
I was prepared, I put myself into the right place, and I was attentive. My first thought on seeing him was, "well he's tall..."
Best of luck, Sweetie.
I've been happily married 7 years.
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