I was recently changing one of my profiles for the billionth time. It reminded me of what I think was my most successful profile. It stemmed from a photo that I took with a puppy. Notice I said a puppy and not a dog, which I think was an added bonus. It wasn’t even my pet. I happened to be visiting a friend out of town, who was petsitting. Anyway, I think men don’t always know what to say when they email a woman, so seeing the puppy gave them something to write about. I got a gazillion emails with only 5 words? “Cute dog. Is it yours?” That was fine when it came from a guy I thought was gorgeous, but it was strangely annoying when coming from unattractive suitors.

With all the puppy attention during that period, I updated my profile description. I wrote it from the puppy’s perspective. It was a huge hit (see profile below).

Well since I had an amazing new description, I needed a new photo. The original one made the puppy look weeks younger, but it wasn’t the best shot of me. And since I was the one paying for the membership things were about to change.

But being puppyless, how was I going to get the photo that I needed? Well, I grabbed a friend of mine who is an amateur photographer and we headed to the mall in search of a pooch (this was before the whole puppy mill story broke (sorry, Oprah). Well, I scored big time at the pet store. They had a dozen different breeds I could choose from. Of course when you are about to take a picture to attract your future husband, you choose a really cute puppy. I’m sure bulldogs are great pets, but I wasn’t about to put my face next to those imposing jowls. And Chihuahuas may work for legal blonds and tacos, but they’re not the favorites of most men I know. I was looking for a man-magnet.

The sales girl escorted me and my friend, and the two puppies to the playroom. I can’t imagine any place wanting to make you buy a dog any less than that tiny room, which smelled of urine and pet dander. Once the sales girl left, I had only 5 minutes with the dogs, so I held my breath, ripped off my coat, and the photo session began. My friend actually got some good shots and even the puppies were pros (at 6 and 8 hundred dollars a pop, they should have been). After it was over, they were put back in their cages whimpering and pawing; begging me to buy them. I did feel a little guilty for I how used and then dismissed them, but there are many casualties when looking for love.

When I returned home, I tried to select the one where I had the best pose. It was a great shot of me, the puppy, and his little wiener front and center! You couldn’t miss it, and it was definitely upstaging me. I swear it was puppy revenge. Thank God I’m pretty handy with Photoshop, but I never imagined I would use it to airbrush a dog’s penis.

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My friends describe me as cute, adorable and cuddly...and I have no idea who that woman is who's holding me. She seems friendly enough, but if you are looking for someone who will pant excitedly, and lick your face when you come home from work, well then I'm your dog.

The woman in the picture probably has never licked anyone's face. She did mention that she is very outdoorsy, except for when she sees snakes. She grew up on a pig and chicken farm, loves trying new things. I think you should also know that she can't cook to save her life, but she can pick really great restaurants, and does an awesome job with opening cans of Purina. She definitely has exquisite taste, which is quite obvious since she is holding me.

Who would she like to date? Considering she's letting a dog answer for her, I would say she's looking for someone with a sense of humor - also someone who is laid back, enjoys the great outdoors, is passionate with compassion, loves ice cream, kids, movies, and late night trips to Lowes!