I’m sitting in my office thinking about you today. If I had a dime for every time I thought about you, we could both retire (unless we’re already retired by the time we meet). As a guy, I’m wondering if you think about me in the same way—staring aimlessly out of the window imagining what your future wife is doing now. Yeah, I know, it’s probably a silly girl thing. But when we finally meet, pretend that you do. It will make me feel better.

I laugh because I know you will be very different than how I’ve imagined you over the years. Heck, you’ve changed quite a bit in the last 20-something years already—in my imagination. Your face always looks different, your size and shape are different, but your soul rarely changes. I think it’s because that soul I imagine is very similar to the soul of the men I admire – men like my dad. I’m sorry you won’t be able to meet my parents. They were pretty cool, laid-back people, who would have loved you simply because you love their daughter.

I do want you to know that I pray for you. Not every day, but often. Mostly I just yell at God for not bringing you to me sooner. I’ve been trying to prepare for you as much as possible, while at the same time trying to live my life to the fullest. It’s not always easy because every trip I take, every exciting event that happens, every moment of sadness, I wish you were here with me.

If by some weird chance you read this letter or even sense the essence of this letter, I do want you to know that once you become my HIM, I’m in 100 percent. You should also know that I can look scary without all the hair and makeup, I’m grumpy when under a lot of pressure, I over-analyze everything, and like men, I go into my cave at times, but will almost always want you to come and get me (although I will eventually come out). I’m also not expecting you to be perfect. I think at this point in my life, I have realistic expectations about love and marriage. But you can never know what it’s like until you experience it.

Well, when we finally meet and have decided that we are the one for each other, let’s toast to this day, a time when the mere thought of you brightened my day. May our future be as bright.

-Me

If you look up “ways to meet single men” a bookstore is always on the list. But I swear all of the guys must have been at an erotica Barnes & Nobles because they weren’t at my location. Seriously, did they post a sign saying I was going to be there? Is that why they scattered? I go to BN all the time and it’s usually crowded, but when I decide to make a trip with full hair and makeup and a camera crew to boot, the male species doesn’t show up—unless you count a 2 year old on caffeine or a senior in a wheelchair.

This is my 3rd outing from my top 5 list of places to go. I blame all of you because it was your suggestions that got me into this mess. I was so determined to make something happen this go-around that I literally followed men around the store. Two of them led me to their wives, and I think the third started to dial security, so I darted behind the cookbook section.

Since I failed to find real, living humans to interact with, I tried to find solace in the latest GQ magazine. Who donned the cover this month—Brad Pitt perhaps? Or was it Matt Damon? No. It was crazy Sasha Baron Cohen. I can’t even get satisfaction in print.

Well, my second to last challenge this week will be at a church outing. Yeah, like I’ll really find attractive, SINGLE men over 40 in church! Never one to give up, I press on, knowing that one day I’ll look back at this (hopefully 24 weeks from now) and think it was all worth it. Stay tuned. The countdown continues.

I’ll admit, my most recent attempt at meeting men was a bust, primarily because it was poorly planned. After looking into several other options and not finding events for this weekend, my last resort became bowling. It’s not that great guys don’t bowl. I think it just takes a bit more effort of picking the right atmosphere, the right time and those who go with you. I have a friend who is a professional bowler and when he’s at one of his tournaments, the alley is filled with men. I also have a friend who is a part of a bowling league. She says on Thursday nights the place is – in her words, “jumping.” But both of these special events happen during the fall and winter months. So in about 60 days, perhaps I’ll give it another go.

While searching for events, a friend did come up with a great summer sporting activity. It was too late for me to sign up for last weekend, but it definitely sounds like fun for one of the upcoming Saturdays. It’s called open-boat fishing! They have half day fishing trips that go out every week on many of the beaches in Jersey shore. You just show up and they take you out on the ocean. You can rent poles on the boat and they even offer fishing instruction. I imagine this would be a big draw for men. But whether I meet men or not, it sounds like a lot of fun. Have any of you tried it? I'm interested in hearing about your experiences.

I never thought that phrase would apply to me. I’ve seen those ladies on Oprah and Dr. Phil. I was disgusted by them, felt sorry for them, and always saw them as “those ladies.” But then, I became one of them.

I’ll now say that I’m being overly dramatic, but there is truth to my story. I dated a married man. He was a regular guy –one you’d want your mom to meet—if he weren’t married! He had a couple of kids, a good job, and seemed to be an upstanding citizen. But imagine my surprise when he dropped a bombshell on me at the end of the date: “By the way, I did want you to know something about me that I hope you don’t mind. I’m separated from my wife.” AKA, I’m still married to her.

He goes on to tell me how the divorce isn’t final, but they’ve been apart for many months. “It’s just an accounting thing” before they finalize the paperwork. Inside I should have been seething, but I’ve been at this a long time and am a bit cynical. So the first thought that came to my head was “it figures!” I did feel misled and I was disappointed, not to mention it was a waste of time, energy and money getting all dolled up for the date.

I honestly don’t understand why people who are separated won’t wait until things are final before they start to date again. I’ve obviously never been married, so I don’t know what it’s like ending things with your spouse and finding the need to quickly replace them. I’m sure it’s a difficult period. But for us singles who consider “separated” to mean married—or “off limits,” just do us a favor and be upfront about it. He had the opportunity to write “separated” in the little box, but I imagine he knew how many women that little word would cost him.

Well I recovered, only to get an email from a guy who was divorced, but told me in his second email that the divorce had only been final for one week, and he still lived with his wife (I mean ex-wife) and his kids. “But” he added, he was going to move out any day!

Sigh! Another one of those brush-your-shoulders-off moments. So how about you… have you or would you date a person who was “separated?”

I have never not had the desire to marry (yes I used a double negative). But does that mean also mean I've never experienced contentment with my singleness? I have found that when I talk with people about my desire to marry I often hear “be content where you are,” as if desire and contentment cannot co-exist.

It reminds me of a now famous saying that was introduced to me when I was in the 7th grade. I remember the girls in my Christian Fellowship group started passing it around (see below). I’m not sure who wrote it, e.g., how wise this person was, his or her experience or qualifications. What I did know, even as a 12 year old, it felt very wrong. As a pre-teen I knew enough about human nature to know it didn’t describe any married people, or soon to be married people on the planet. To assume that marriage is a reward only given to people who have perfected contentment and satisfaction is a distortion of the reality of human nature.

30-something years later, having lived a life filled with longings and desires—which include to finish college, have a good career, buy a home, have good friendships, walk on 4 continents, have children, and the list goes on, some things that have come to pass and others not so much. These are the things that I wished for and planned for and even the things that I believe God put in my heart to desire. When Paul wrote about contentment, haven’t experienced hunger, I can’t help believe he at the same time did have a desire for food. So don’t stop desiring and don’t stop doing, but don’t stop seeking contentment either. They can actually work quite nicely together.

I love how T. Pierce Brown described it. “Contentment comes, not because of a passive acceptance of whatever our condition may be, but because there is a "perfect condition of life in which no aid or support is needed" inasmuch as God has granted one whatever he needs to face life and conquer it!”


READY FOR LOVE
“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone -- to have a deep soul relationship with one another -- to be loved thoroughly, and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says: "No, not until you are satisfied with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing -- one that you cannot imagine. I want you to know the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things -- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.

You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or what I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have ready for you is ready (I am working at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time) until you are both satisfied with me, and that life I have prepared for you, you won't experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love, that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied." ---Author Unknown

17% of you said the best place to meet men was at bars. I was skeptical but gave it a try anyway. The first discovery I made is that there is an art to picking the right singles bar. I, apparently, am artistically challenged. The first bar I went to had about 8 people—no one made me want to stick around. The second was a nice, crowded bar. I thought, "this is the place!" I plopped myself on a stool and ordered a drink—grapefruit spritzer is my beverage of choice (grapefruit with ginger ale). I also made a point to get a stool where I had good view of the crowd, and more importantly, they had a good view of me.

Once settled, my eyes began to roam to and fro, looking for eligible men. Well, my poor eyes roamed and roamed and roamed. I didn’t see one guy who wasn’t already coupled up. How could this be? I also saw large mixed gender parties, a couple of ladies-only groups, but no single men. I also realized that because I was alone (they say you have better chances of getting picked up that way), I stood out like a sore thumb. This night wasn’t going as planned at all. But since I had gotten all dressed up, I settled in and decided to enjoy the evening for what it had to offer. I listened to a great jazz band, had fun people watching, played the game “guess how long they’ve been dating” and enjoyed my time at a bar. Next week, I’m off to a sporting event. BTW, if you have the names of any great singles bar in Central New Jersey (that caters to the over 35 crowd), let me know!

Well I did! And, yes, that’s an extremely offensive statement. Or at least I find it to be. But I’m curious whether you do too, and if so, why? I’m thinking people could find it troublesome for a couple of reasons. One being that it categorizes “those people” as abnormal dates. I remember a while back overhearing two white guys talking about dating black women, and one guy remarked, “I couldn’t do it. I don’t find them attractive.” The other guy knew a cute, black woman at work and thought he “could see himself giving it a try.” I, who was a few paces behind and unnoticed, found both statements racists, as though I’m a freak who could never be found attractive or I’m a freak and a guy wants to give me a try. But that’s another blog for another time.

Back to my Muslim. Another reason someone may find it offensive is the belief that a nice, Evangelical Christian girl shouldn’t be with a Muslim man. I can hear you shouting 2nd Corinthians 6:14 at me even over the internet lines. Christians aren’t supposed to date Muslims just like the Capulets don’t date the Montagues.

I will say that when I agreed to the date with Esau (not his real name), I didn’t know he was a Muslim. Within the religion category, he mentioned something about his faith in God being important to him. I, of course, being closed-minded, assumed he was talking about faith in Jesus. And it’s not as though you can tell right away. I mean, over the phone and even during the first half of his date he never shouted ‘Death to Americans’ nor did the word Jihad come up, or any of the other derogatory behaviors we unfortunately ascribe to people of the Islamic faith.

Instead, he was much like the non-Muslim men I date. He insisted I walk two paces behind him, handed me a burqa to wear, and told me if I played my cards right, I could be his 5th wife. Just kidding. He was attractive (actually, really cute), kind, a good conservationist, was passionate about his family, and loved his job. But the whole notion that I have to qualify his qualities just because the man is of a different faith is preposterous. But people are curious and the few friends I told, who have never dated a Muslim man, wanted to know what he was like.

In this instance, we were not a good match. He was just at a point in his career where it didn’t leave him much free time, which he described in detail. I’m a girl who doesn’t need all your attention, but I don’t want to be squeezed in between appointments either. So I threw the burqa back in his face and we parted amicably.

But what if things had been different? What if we clicked right away and the chemistry was strong? If halfway during the date when he mentioned he was a Muslim would I have been able to walk away from the beginnings of a good relationship? Would walking away been the right course of action?

I have said and continue to stand by the notion that because my faith is such an integral part of my life, I want to marry someone that will join me as I live it out. But if it came down to staying single or marrying someone who doesn’t share my religion, would I forego a committed, loving relationship? It’s a question I have struggled with every single week for the last 26 weeks. It’s true that if I were only a member of a Christian- dating website, then it wouldn’t be as much of an issue. However, I am with ChristianCafe.com and if I had to solely rely on them for my dating activity, I’d be sitting home every night. Plenty of people make the choice to stick with religion specific dating websites, like the above, or JDate.com or MuslimFriends.com, and they fare better. It’s just not my story.

Most of the Christian men I meet are from Match.com and Plenty of Fish, but these sites, as well as my own website, also bring in suitors who are Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Agnostics, Spiritual but Not Religious and men who are confused about what they are (I haven’t had any Buddhist men who have shown interest. I guess I’m not their type). One’s religion is an important distinction. But that religion drop-down box is one line of many that describes the man. I wish there were also a “respect” category where a man could indicate how much he would respect me and respect the things, people, and faith that is important to me. Once married, if I give substantial amounts of our money to the Church, and spent Sunday mornings with those church people, just how understanding and respectful will he be? How open would I be to a husband who prays 5 times a day, or observes Shabbat, which occupies every one of his Friday nights and Saturdays? And on the other hand, I could fall in love with a very nice Christian man who is a workaholic, or makes me his golf or NY Yankee widow? How about one who insists on going to church 5 nights a week and reads his Bible when we’re out on dates or dining with friends?

I believe it comes down to compatibility. And a part of this journey is my self-discovery of who I’m compatible with. My hope is… my prayer is that when I make that decision, I will make the right one—whatever that may be. So what would you do?

A month ago I spoke with my friend Joanne who is married to someone who doesn’t share her faith. I thought this would be a good time to revisit the video here.

I’ve discovered… during this dating phase there’s no reason to talk yourself into liking a guy you’re just not into. There will be plenty of need for that years into the marriage.

I’ve discovered… that although blogging about how bad my date was may be funny to me and the reader, it can do real damage to an undeserving guy.

I’ve discovered… that when your date looks at other women during your date, you should thank God that you noticed it now-- in time to dump him.

I’ve discovered… that similar to my parents who I miss every day, I feel a sense of loss, yet for someone I’ve never found.

I’ve discovered… love is more powerful than your or his physical flaws and imperfections. Don’t worry about them standing in your way of finding love.

I’ve discovered… that God also created chemistry and the infatuation phase, so enjoy them while that last, and while doing so, slowly learn how to replace them with real love and commitment.

I’ve discovered… that if he doesn’t call, it’s his loss.

I’ve discovered… that when you pursue marriage; even with a slim chance of you finding him, and when the odds are against it lasting, and with the critics trying to dissuade you, that you’re not a person ruled by fear.

I’ve discovered… that just because I haven’t found “him,” there are still many men out there who aren’t afraid of commitment, who are respectful to women, and would make wonderful husbands.

I’ve discovered… that the impossible is more possible (or at the very least more bearable) when you surround yourself with those who support you.

I'd love to hear one discovery you've made about dating...

I’m at my half way point of my 52 weeks, and although I’ve had some great dates, more numerous than years combined, I still haven’t found him (cynics insert “I told you so” here). But it’s not over until the fat lady sings, and I haven’t hummed a tune in months. However, I have made some interesting observations along the way…

Most Embarrassing Moment:
• being stood up at a nice Manhattan restaurant

Biggest mistake
• Forgetting that going on a date is not an appointment to meet my potential soulmate, but instead a just a fun night out with good company

Greatest triumph
• Not feeling desperate

Most naïve moment
• Thinking that good PR would keep men lining up to see me

Most realistic thought–
• Knowing that it would take lots of work

Best advice:
• “Despite what the "experts" say, you don't have to be complete, fixed, perfect, whole or even in your right mind for love to target you - just be as ready as you can be at any given moment and love yourself no matter what.” (thanks ylhoff)

Worse advice
• You should stop looking, and love will just find you

Biggest almost fooled:
• When a guy wants to go weeks with emailing me, texting me, or talking on the phone, but has not asked me out, something’s up (he’s probably married or has some other secret). I refused to be a technology mistress and started to nip things in the bud.

Best first date
• The guy who made me laugh so hard I choked on my coffee

Hardest thing I’ve done to find him –
• Throwing my own speed dating party

What I’m most looking forward to over these next 26 weeks:
• An amazing third date

Most fun webdate
• Mr. Massachusettes who made what could have been an awkward "how does this work" moment fun.

Keeping the journey interesting and fun—what lies ahead:
• Trading Online Places – I’ll trade places with 3 married moms for one week. They’ll take turns spending one hour online each night to find my husband. I’ll spend one-hour each night online doing the wife and mother duties they assign.

• 30 Days 2 Find a Date – Having gone numerous years without a date, I know I’m not alone. So I found 30 women who haven’t dated in the last 12 months, although they’d love to, and asked them to take the “30 Days 2 Find a Date” challenge. With the help of their friends, a few dating coaches, and your and my support, we hope they make at least 1 love connection in a month’s time.

This week’s challenging step
Going to a bar. Not my favorite place to meet men (I’m not sure if I’ve ever been asked out by a guy I met at a bar), but this is the first of a series of activities I’ll try based upon a poll I offered a while back.

Sounds too good to be true? Well apparently it is. I have been searching for a personal matchmaker who focuses solely on women – one where she has a “pool” of men that she pulls from. Instead, it seems as though matchmakers prefer to represent the male species, men who pay a lofty price for their service. These matchmakers then “allow” women to fill out an application and pay a fee to be one of a gazillion females who belong in the pool. Considering I’m not pool material, I’m pushing for a better solution.

We have our own deodorant, our own gyms and even our own doctors. Can’t we have our own matchmakers?

Yes, there are matchmaking companies that offer their services to both genders. But if I’m a client, that doesn’t seem like the best option. If I were house hunting, I wouldn’t want a realtor who represents both the buyer and seller-- and I don’t want conflicting loyalty from my matchmaker either. I can just see her sticking me with another one of her clients just to make him happy.

And let’s talk dollars and cents. Should it really take thousands of dollars up front to hire someone to find your soulmate? We’re talking serious withdrawals from the 401K plan or foregoing that down payment on your home. I know it’s a personalized service, but we can find affordable help to babysit our children, clean our house, walk our pets, and give us psychic readings, why can’t we have affordable help when it comes to finding love? Is one-on-one matchmaking only for millionaires? Are there no reasonable options for the teachers, secretaries, government workers and numerous others singles with modest incomes?

I think we can do better. Like Tupperware revolutionized food storage and the Snuggie saved our efforts to stay warm while changing the remote, let’s find a sensible solution to the matchmaker dilemma for women.

Time is of the essence. I have a case of “online-search burn out” and I won’t last much longer. I’m a girl with a plan. I bet you have one too. So let’s pool our efforts and lobby the all-powerful dating industry.

I’m happy to share that the phone call with Cain went well. He could string a coherent sentence together, and even had a sense of humor. He was a good listener and there was no and sounds of a wife or a correctional officer in the background. All-in-all a great catch. When the conversation ended, I held my breath to see if he would ask me out. He didn’t. This was disappointing because I would have said, “yes.” So my guess is there are most likely two reasons he didn’t go down that path. The first is that he was thinking, “what if she says “no.” I will be totally embarrassed, when I could have ended things on a high note.” And the second reason is that I didn’t pass HIS “phone test” which I find highly unlikely because I’m quite charming on the phone :-). So I will choose to believe the first scenario.

This means that Cain will most likely follow up by asking me out later (hopefully not through a text message (lol). Yes. I’m thinking ahead and working myself up concerning something that may never happen. But I haven’t gone on a third date in ages, maybe even decades, so give a girl a little time to fantasize.