December 22 - The Many Steps of Online Dating - When to Take It to the Next Level

I have been emailing back and forth with two guys who I like based upon the limited information that I know about them. Each email makes me like them a little more. It has me thinking about the many phases of online dating:

You receive the first email from a potential suitor, which prompts you to do the profile review. If that goes well, you continue and there is a 2nd and perhaps 3rd email. At this point, you expect to receive the email that takes it to the next level, i.e., would you like to meet, talk on the phone, or here's my chat name on yahoo, etc. Then there is the 1st phone call, and perhaps soon thereafter a 1st date, and even a 2nd. And then for me there is that ever elusive 3rd date.

That's a lot of phases. It's approximately 8 steps that takes you from a first email to a 3rd date.

Well, I have been looking back to see if there is a pattern with my online dating - taking note of those who make it to a first phone call and those who make it to a first date. Obviously it's not all up to me. A guy could drop me at any step, just as I could choose to end it with him. But what are some of the things that make you want to continue or to discontinue the many phases of online dating?

For me, one example is that I've noticed that I'm more likely to respond to men who smile in their profile photo. The bigger the smile, the more appealing they are to me (go figure).

I become less interested in guys who in their email exchange offers an average of one or two sentences, or those men whose emails fail to ask me anything about myself.

Once I get men on the phone, I'm discovering more about the guys on a different level. I love the conversations where I'm laughing or smiling or we're both sharing what we like about the world around us. On the opposite side, this seems kind of an obvious no-no, but it's amazing how many men talk about their problems during the first phone call or those men who want to have a long conversation about their previous dating (or love) experiences. Maybe I'm being too quick to judge, but isn't that what dating is about - judging (or deciding) if we want a relationship to continue? We add up the sum of our previous experiences with a person (a profile, and a couple of emails, and maybe a phone call or two) and decide if we want more of the same.

I now realize that every step is a glimpse of the next step. If I don't like where I'm currently at with a person, I need to explore whether there is anything that makes me think things would be any different in the future. If in your emails you only talk about yourself and never ask questions about me, why would I want more of the same? If you're really, really boring on the first date, or if you're rude to the waiter and short with me, what makes me think the next date would be any different? I'm not talking about going overboard and being really picky about everything that person says or does. One goofy comment about an ex, doesn't make me run for the hills, but if my overall experience during one of the steps isn't a good one, it just may be a good indicator of where the next step will take me.

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3 comments

Comment from: Goddess [Visitor]
I guess one has to follow their gut instincts. However I have learned from experience that sometimes first or even second dates don't always go well. Sometimes a date may act off because he is nervous or trying too hard to impress you. My boyfriend spent our entire first date on his cell phone. I realized it was his way of trying to seem important. Also some men have never been told that their actions are out of line so they go on living in the wrong direction..I think love is a lot more complicated than expecting every step in the love game to go a certain way most of the time. Try to understand that the average guy today will have one or two serious flaws and unless you are willing and able to understand the mind of a man and learn to work with someone you like enough, you may continue to climb a up hill battle.
12/22/09 @ 21:25
Comment from: Tracy [Visitor]
Regarding the above comment, I think it's pretty obvious that first and second dates don't always go well, but it's also naive to think every first date deserves a second date, and every second date deserves a third. If the woman above went out a second time with a guy who ignored her and talked on his cell phone the whole time, then I'm SURE there were other qualities about him that she liked. She did as you said, Neenah, looked at the sum of her experience. He was probably very attentive in his emails and probably very attentive when she talked with him on the phone, but this one time he acted differently. So she made her decision accordingly.

We have to stop telling women they have to date every guy who asks them out. Women have to stop accepting behavior from men that is unacceptable. Women need to start using discernmevt when they meet men, and they have to start trusting their instincts. If you don't like the guy enough to see him again IT'S OKAY! You don't have keep seeing him because someone else is making you feel guilty.

You seem like a caring and intelligent person and have been more patient than most women I know (certainly more so than men). So trust yourself and the discoveries you're making about relationships this year. I'm cheering you on.
12/26/09 @ 20:37
Comment from: Andrea de Michaelis [Visitor] Email · http://horizonsmagazine.com/blog
Yet another insightful post, Neenah. I learned that when the men only email a sentence or two, a lot of men even today don't type and it's a hassle for them. We type as quickly as we think. Some men type laboriously with one finger. Since communication is important to me, I like a man who likes to email. It adds another dimension to our communication. I see that's true for you as well.

And men whose emails fail to ask me anything about myself, I've found it's not that most men don't have the social graces, it's that they don't know what we want. If we have rules, such as "I want to feel you are personally interested in who I am," then it's only fair to tell them the rule. Hey, when you ask me about myself, that lets me know you are interested in me. He may think that staring into your cleavage lets you know.

It's not that men are stupid, just that they don't know how we want to be spoken to unless we tell them.

I don't think you're being picky at all. You're smart. Selectively sifting is what we're doing when you say "We add up the sum of our previous experiences ... and decide if we want more of the same."
01/06/10 @ 09:12

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